Good Parenting 103

Kid: Mommy, do we believe in God?
Mom: No, he invented condoms that break.

Heard inside CVS

Live Green Be A Jerk

Woman holding broken grocery bag with groceries scattered everywhere: Excuse me, can you please help me pick this stuff up?
Jerk: No, I don't touch food that's not organic.

Heard about 6 feet from Jewel

One Night In The Tank Never Killed Anyone

Cop: You need to move your car sir.
Drunk guy: I can't move my car officer.
Cop: Is there something wrong with it?
Drunk guy: No, it's fine, but the minute I put the key in you'll arrest me for a DUI.
Cop: Sir, you are aware that the car is running right?

Heard outside Mystic Celt

Shame He Won Anyway

Man on phone: Great, now he'll lose from too much banana.

Heard on Southport and Cornelia

Once Divorce, Coming Soon

Dad to little boy: Now remember, that girl was imaginary, you never saw her.
Little boy: Was her butt imaginary when you grabbed it?
Dad: Yes. Now don't tell mommy. She'll think you're lying
Boy: No, she always believes the daddy's imaginary lady stories.

Heard outside Ethyl's

Coolest Blackmail Ever!

Girl #1 looking in store window: He's going to buy me this and this and this.
Girl #2: Why would he do that?
Girl #1: Because if he doesn't, I'll tell his boss he's not a paraplegic.

Heard in front of the pearl store