Good Parenting 103

Kid: Mommy, do we believe in God?
Mom: No, he invented condoms that break.

Heard inside CVS

Live Green Be A Jerk

Woman holding broken grocery bag with groceries scattered everywhere: Excuse me, can you please help me pick this stuff up?
Jerk: No, I don't touch food that's not organic.

Heard about 6 feet from Jewel

One Night In The Tank Never Killed Anyone

Cop: You need to move your car sir.
Drunk guy: I can't move my car officer.
Cop: Is there something wrong with it?
Drunk guy: No, it's fine, but the minute I put the key in you'll arrest me for a DUI.
Cop: Sir, you are aware that the car is running right?

Heard outside Mystic Celt

Shame He Won Anyway

Man on phone: Great, now he'll lose from too much banana.

Heard on Southport and Cornelia

Once Divorce, Coming Soon

Dad to little boy: Now remember, that girl was imaginary, you never saw her.
Little boy: Was her butt imaginary when you grabbed it?
Dad: Yes. Now don't tell mommy. She'll think you're lying
Boy: No, she always believes the daddy's imaginary lady stories.

Heard outside Ethyl's

Coolest Blackmail Ever!

Girl #1 looking in store window: He's going to buy me this and this and this.
Girl #2: Why would he do that?
Girl #1: Because if he doesn't, I'll tell his boss he's not a paraplegic.

Heard in front of the pearl store

Umm Actually..... Check The Stats For 2005

Cubs fan: There is nothing the Sox have done that we haven't done. Easy, the Cubs are the best team in Chicago. It's not like the Sox have won the World Series or anything. Tell me different and I'll kick your ass. The Cubs rule!

Heard outside Messner's