Heard On Southport

Good Parenting 103

2008-07-06T17:56:00.001-07:00

Kid: Mommy, do we believe in God?
Mom: No, he invented condoms that break.

Heard inside CVS

Live Green Be A Jerk

2008-07-06T17:53:00.000-07:00

Woman holding broken grocery bag with groceries scattered everywhere: Excuse me, can you please help me pick this stuff up?
Jerk: No, I don't touch food that's not organic.

Heard about 6 feet from Jewel

One Night In The Tank Never Killed Anyone

2008-07-06T17:49:00.000-07:00

Cop: You need to move your car sir.
Drunk guy: I can't move my car officer.
Cop: Is there something wrong with it?
Drunk guy: No, it's fine, but the minute I put the key in you'll arrest me for a DUI.
Cop: Sir, you are aware that the car is running right?

Heard outside Mystic Celt

Shame He Won Anyway

2008-07-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

Man on phone: Great, now he'll lose from too much banana.

Heard on Southport and Cornelia

Once Divorce, Coming Soon

2008-07-06T17:43:00.000-07:00

Dad to little boy: Now remember, that girl was imaginary, you never saw her.
Little boy: Was her butt imaginary when you grabbed it?
Dad: Yes. Now don't tell mommy. She'll think you're lying
Boy: No, she always believes the daddy's imaginary lady stories.

Heard outside Ethyl's

Coolest Blackmail Ever!

2008-07-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

Girl #1 looking in store window: He's going to buy me this and this and this.
Girl #2: Why would he do that?
Girl #1: Because if he doesn't, I'll tell his boss he's not a paraplegic.

Heard in front of the pearl store

Umm Actually..... Check The Stats For 2005

2008-06-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

Cubs fan: There is nothing the Sox have done that we haven't done. Easy, the Cubs are the best team in Chicago. It's not like the Sox have won the World Series or anything. Tell me different and I'll kick your ass. The Cubs rule!

Heard outside Messner's

For A Taco???

2008-06-29T13:07:00.001-07:00

Drunk girl #1: Let's go to Taco Bell, I'm dying for a taco.
Drunk girl #2: I hate Taco Bell. The grease dries up all the alcohol and then I have to start drinking again.
Drunk girl #1: Oh, I didn't know that. Let's just get Greg to buy us the Taco Bell. then he can pay for the new booze too.
Drunk girl #2: Ok, but you'll have to sleep with him tonight. I did it last time.
Drunk girl #1: That's fair, ok.

Heard in front of Mystic Celt

Poor Kids!

2008-06-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

Little kid #1: Does your mom read to you?
Little kid #2: No, she told me that if I don't learn how to read by myself I'll never be anything and I'll live on the street.
Little kid #1: My mom reads to me, but usually just books on the Oprah list.

Heard outside the park district building on Southport

Math Genius

2008-06-29T13:01:00.000-07:00

Woman on cell: If I buy four six packs of Bud and a case of Miller Lite then I'll have more Bud and I really want to have an even number. Maybe they sell single bottles.

Heard at Jewel

Who Does?

2008-06-29T13:00:00.001-07:00

Man talking about dogs: They don't like having their ears pulled.

Heard by Ellen
Southport and Addison

Is There A DNA Test For Cheeseburger?

2008-06-29T12:57:00.000-07:00

Man walking dog: She's part Lab, part beagle, but mostly cheeseburger.

Heard by Potbelly's

Good Parenting 102

2008-06-29T12:55:00.000-07:00

Man in Cubs gear talking to pregnant woman: If this kid turns out to be a Sox fan, I'm going to have to kill it. There will be no Sox fans in my family ever.

Pregnant woman: Yeah, I'll help kill it, I hate the Sox.

Heard at the corner of Southport and Addison

Due to illness, I won't be updating this until tomorrow or Tuesday.

2008-06-22T14:54:00.000-07:00

Oops!

2008-06-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

Drunk girl: You're such a fucker! You can't even deny you were ignoring me tonight! Why do I go out with you? I don't see you all night and now you just turn up next to me when the bar closes so you can take me home and fuck? Who were you talking to all night in there?
Not Drunk Guy: No one. I was home sleeping until you called me to come pick you up.
Drunk Girl: Liar! I was with you all night Brian!
Not Drunk Guy: I'm Don, your husband and you can find Brian to take you home.

Heard outside Lange's

This Time?

2008-06-15T10:37:00.000-07:00

Guy on cell phone: She's cooking dinner. I'm getting tomatoes, so this time when I get sick I can blame it on those.

Heard in Jewel

Yeah, That's Fun

2008-06-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

Girl #1: So what happened after I left?
Girl #2: We watched the Cubs game, ate dinner and watched movies until we fell asleep. What did you do?
Girl #1: I met up with Tom and by 9, I was puking in an empty McDonald's bag someone left on the bar.
Girl #2: Sometimes I wish I never got married.You have so much more fun than me.

Heard outside Pinky's

Forget Heaven, Check Out The Bathroom!

2008-06-15T10:22:00.000-07:00

Girl on cell phone: I wonder if god's bathroom even has a toilet. I mean, you know how great that bathroom must be, probably the best bathtub in the world. You could probably live in god's bathroom.

Heard in CVS

I Hope That Theater Was Empty

2008-06-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

Guy on Cell Phone: Yeah, I went with her to see the Sex And The City movie then we went into some kid movie in the next theater and she blew me. I wonder what happened with the panda.

Heard in front of Justin's

A Subscription? You Sure?

2008-06-08T11:37:00.000-07:00

Streetwise Seller: Maybe on your way out, you'll buy a Streetwise? It's the newest edition.
Guy: I have a subscription man, sorry.

Heard in front of Jewel.

It's The Thought That Counts!

2008-06-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

Girl on cell phone: Yeah, we broke up. We had a fight. He said that since I wouldn't wear the dress he bought for me, he didn't want to go. (Pause)
It was a white sundress with the cutest red flowers on it. It was actually a pretty dress. Just not one I'd wear to his office picnic. I was going to wear the red mini with the bustier top. It's shorter and he might have gotten a promotion.

Heard outside of Nailbar

Great Parenting 101

2008-06-08T11:24:00.001-07:00

Little Boy: I want ice cream!
Mom: You can't have ice cream. Stop asking.
Little Boy (starting to scream): I want ice cream! Why can't I have ice cream?
Mom: Because that fat guy there ate it all. There's no more ice cream in the world.
Little Boy: Fat people are assholes.
Mom: Yeah they are, but don't ever say that word in front of them, they don't like it.

Heard on Southport and Cornelia

Too Rich For Sidewalks

2008-06-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

Woman #1 (pushing stroller and walking dog): The sidewalks are too crowded around here. They should make a walking path for people.
Woman #2: Yeah, especially for rich people. We should get a special path.

Heard in front of Messner's

What Are Children Made Of These Days?

2008-06-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

Girl: If I buy 4 pounds of hamburger, a couple of packs of hot dogs and a few pounds of chicken breasts will that be enough to feed everyone?
Guy: Should be. But Jason and Lisa are vegetarians, so we should get some brats for them.

Heard at Jewel on Southport

Brotherly Love

2008-06-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

Mom: Hold your sister's hand while we cross the street
Kid: Ok, but don't get mad if I break all her fingers on the way.

Heard at the corner of Addison and Southport

At Least He's Complimentary

2008-06-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

Girl #1: He was talking with me all night. He bought me all my drinks. He kissed me for almost 2 hours. He complimented my bra when we were smoking in the alley, but he didn't ask for my number. He was so hot.
Girl #2: That's just wrong. Maybe you can look him up, what's his name?
Girl #1: I'm not sure, but I'll know when he emails me. He has my email address.
Girl #2: So why does he need your number?
Girl #1: I'm old fashioned.

Heard outside of Krista K, Southport and Cornelia

Wrong Answer!

2008-06-01T08:34:00.000-07:00

Girl: You were so totally looking at her! Why don't you just go home with her tonight?
Guy: I don't know where she lives.

Heard in front of Justin's, Southport and Roscoe

Yellow Is The New Orange

2008-06-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

Guy: I love orange. Orange is one of the colors of the Bears, you know. Your dress is a nice shade of orange. What's it called?
Girl: Yellow.

Heard in front of Sopo

Yeah, It's the aspirin

2008-05-31T17:39:00.000-07:00

Girl #1: Wow I really look fat in these shorts.
Girl #2: It's all the aspirin you take. Each one is like 150 calories!
Girl #1: Oh wow, I'd better switch to Excedrin.
Girl #2 Yeah, good idea. Let's go to Coldstone.

Overheard in front of The UPS store Southport and Cornelia